Navigating the landscape of finding a life partner can often feel like a journey through a dense fog, obscuring the path forward. I understand how difficult it can be to shake off the romanticized ideals of serendipity and fate that joyfully dance in our minds. My mentor’s words over twenty years ago, "You'll know," linger like a whisper, from a time when I spoke to him about a woman I will call “Strawberry”. Which was the realized fate of the legendary Japanese red string. Just one of the few moments of clarity which seem elusive, hidden within the many beautiful encounters. Is there truly a magical formula to align with the partner of our dreams? Patience, they say, is key. It’s an idea that often feels heavy, laden with uncertainty, especially when swiping through profiles. Each heart sent in admiration of physical beauty or witty banter seems like a small leap of faith. You exchanged playful pleasantries with someone who claimed, “I never used a dating app,” a laughable moment that speaks to the irony of searching for love in such a modern way. In these exchanges, there's a shared feeling of doubt, a silent question that hangs in the air: “What brings you here if not a longing for something real?” Each message becomes a dance, as you both navigate the unspoken anxieties and hopes that come with seeking a serious relationship. The first encounter often feels like a scene straight out of a romantic film, yet reality can be more nuanced. As the rain falls softly, you might find yourself wondering if this moment will lead to something genuine or if it’s merely a mirage. When you finally meet, and she looks exactly like her pictures, there’s a flash of relief mixed with excitement. The small coffee shop in the heart of the city is the perfect backdrop for what might be a pivotal moment in your lives. Her green tea latte complements your mocha espresso, and laughter fills the air, turning the cafe into your own little world. Each question exchanged is an attempt at meaningful connection, as you both take in the beauty of the city at night. In that moment, when you say, “Isn't the city beautiful at night?” and she responds with, “Yes, you are,” a superficial answer to perhaps the question of connection. But when the conversation meanders into uncertainty, the thought of unmatching lingers at the edge of your mind. Doubt Finding love is often a mix of hope and patience, a journey filled with moments of joy and apprehension. Each encounter is a step toward understanding what you truly desire. “You'll know.”
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I’m not new to this kind of depression that occurs when returning home from being away for a long time. The Big City is no different from how I left it when I decided to sail away for two years in the Caribbean. “What do I actually have to show for from this journey?” All I have is two years worth of travel stories, but lately I almost want to choke myself if I start another conversation with, “I bought a boat no experience.. Solo sailed.... I lived in DR….”. When traveling you are surrounded by other traveler’s and it’s common to start the conversation with, “I am in search of a true self.” In my case, I say something like, “I’m on a journey to uncover the limits of my existence and to see things differently.” which is a perfectly acceptable purpose to have and say to other travelers. However, those sentiments should be accompanied with a warning. Most of the travelers have varying versions of ‘finding oneself’ and those conversations lead to, “I found myself at 4am during a climb up an active volcano.” , “Well, I found myself three times before breakfast.” as if suddenly it became a competition of the best place to find yourself. Everyone becomes a walking self-help testimonial. The stories that are most laughable are those of missed fights, botched tours, getting lost, paying a bribe, or barely escaping danger. The ultimate point is finding what you like and want to continue doing. If you are lucky enough to find that. Here’s the rub, “F*CK finding yourself!”
For me, I found myself ultimately seeing things that changed me. So when I return home and find that, nothing has changed, will not change, or wasn’t even supposed to change. That is when the depression first starts. The only thing that dulls the pain is when a tell a story that inspires someone. Others times a refrain from telling a story for feeling like i'm trying to make someone feel bad for not doing something similar. We all have our own goals and ideas. As venture around to my old stumping grounds I start to feel like stranger. I attempt to explain things from my new perspective. I attempt to correct all the misinformation, myths, false ideas, warnings, etc .. The resistance is so insurmountable that I start to doubt whether or not I make any sense and if all that stuff that happened really happened. Even more depressing, wondering if any of it mattered. Im so glad that I write in my journal. I know that I didn’t imagine it and that it mattered. All of it. Everything that happened while I traveled was f**king important, and probably more closely linked to my purpose more than anything that I could’ve done at home. While I traveled I encountered people and situations that completely changed my understanding of the world. There were times that I felt freer with my kisses, fell in love without fear, unaffected by the impermanence as I and my lovers later parted ways. I learnt how to rely on total strangers to navigate a language barrier in some of the most remote places. And like most of us who are faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges, we reach for a new understanding of spirituality, philosophy, and the want to detach from unhealthy desires. The "truth" of returning home from travel is that everything at home will stay exactly the same. However silly this may seem. I understand the paradox in this matter. No matter how long I'm gone, there will always be a familiarity to the place that initially shaped my life, but I can’t shake the feeling of being a stranger. 46 days and counting in this strange land. “What now?” |
Author“Traveling into my imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, I see them as they are.” Archives
December 2024
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